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Are you a Retrosexual male?


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  • Are you a Retrosexual male?


    Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
    prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts
    like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual,
    trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
    purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
    "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the
    culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

    The RetroSexual Code :
    • A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
      national TV. A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR
      THE DATE.
    • A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that
      term only because they are female.
    • A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your
      home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
    • A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
    • A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
      you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
      cigars and drinking, I salute you.
    • A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
      Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
      endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
    • A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
    • A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
      need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
    • A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
    • A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
      women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will
      only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long
      run, she ain't worth it.
    • A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
      stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in
      a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
      different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT
      allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention
      to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT
      with you.
    • A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
      to conceal himself from prey.
    • A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and
      ONLY a Windsor knot.
    • A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
    • A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
      hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
      can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
    • A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
      riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
      IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
    • Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
      of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports
      teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of
      release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a
      Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved
      one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of
      a major body part.
    • A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
      that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy
      or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable
      ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies
      (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The
      Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series,
      Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond
      Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now,
      Goodfellas, Reservior Dogs, Fight Club,etc .
    • When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
      pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up
      and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
      so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look
      on his face.
    • A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
      correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the
      Star Spangled Banner.
    • A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
      understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
      offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
      married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting,
      boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
    • A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
    • A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
      all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without
      high-centering his ride on a plow berm.
    • A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
      wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
    • A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
      any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above
      2nd Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but
      the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
      for serving their country.
    • A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
      enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change
      or the other person deceived him.
    • A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
      something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in
      the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!!!!

    (from an email, and then posted on Culver's Gun Talk by Jeff Spradling)
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    2003 TJ Rubicon: 4.5" OME coils; RE SF2; NthDegree TT/oilpan skid/shock shifters; FXD rock rails; Anti-Rock; 5150'

  • #2
    I was doin' pretty good until the hot topic thing.

    What's wrong with "MoPar" and "John Deere" t-shirts???:confused:

    "in the end... the rocks always win."


    • #3
      Heh, the Missus and I didn't know what Hot Topic was 'til we plugged it into Google.
      Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
      2003 TJ Rubicon: 4.5" OME coils; RE SF2; NthDegree TT/oilpan skid/shock shifters; FXD rock rails; Anti-Rock; 5150'


      • #4
        Thank you.
        “Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way. ”
        -Gen. George S. Patton Jr.


        • #5
          Finally! I "fit" some "category"!!! I think I might get into this PC BS after all... He missed one thing: Redecorating rooms Monster House style should be exempt... man, that was a sweet biker bar last week.
          :gun:'99 TJ Sport:gun:


          • #6
            Originally posted by sarah
            Finally! I "fit" some "category"!!! I think I might get into this PC BS after all... He missed one thing: Redecorating rooms Monster House style should be exempt... man, that was a sweet biker bar last week.
            In case you were all wondering ... that was
            :gun:'99 TJ Sport:gun:


            • #7
              You forgot the John Wayne collection! Now there's a retrosexual if there ever was one! John Wayne never played a wuss in a musical (Clint did in "Paint Your Wagon") . Retrosexuals also avoid any network with the word "Life" in it .
              It's not the size of your tire, it's how you place it!

              '98 wrangler 4" superlift rockrunner kit, adjustable trackbar, 33's, rear EZlocker,
              and Kargomaster rack.


              • #8
                Originally posted by sarah
                In case you were all wondering ... that was
                Phew! You had us worried there for a second!:confused:
                olllllllo <--- If you can read that, roll me over!

                Price is soon forgotton, quality is not.



                • #9
                  yeah i read that and i was like, uuuuuuuuuuh.
                  :gun:'99 TJ Sport:gun:


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by king4wd
                    Retrosexuals also avoid any network with the word "Life" in it .
                    Yeah like Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network and don't forget the WE channel!!!

                    My hubby is definitely a Retrosexual, except he doesn't open my door for me!!!!!!
                    1993 Wrangler Black, 4" ProComp Lift, 33s.
                    Glad to be back in California!


                    • #11
                      I like it. I might have to send that to the wife to assist her in understanding me. Naw, its more fun when she's confused.
                      I'm a Daddy!!

                      [COLOR=DarkRed] Rear bumper/tire carrier and front bumper!![/COLOR]

                      2002 Jeep TJ (Ember)
                      1982 Jeep J10 w/ a 360