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COMMON TOOLS DEFINED
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-
painted Jeep hood which you had carefully placed in the corner
where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
__________________
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-
painted Jeep hood which you had carefully placed in the corner
where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
__________________
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