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Life In LA


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  • Life In LA

    This is something I wrote for a friend who was moving out here from DC to be an actress:

    In LA, who do you call after a car accident?
    (all calls done in order of importance)

    1. Your Stylist
    (You may end up on the 6pm News. You will be on the 11pm News if you were a) avoiding traffic or b) on your way to the latest fad club where you are on the A List because you slept with the promoter and/or his/her significant partner. Either way, you must look your best in case a casting agent is home with a cold and actually watching TV)

    2. Your Agent
    (To see if you can get a copy of the footage for your portfolio to show exactly how photogenic you are for action films. You could be in Arnold or Keanu's next flick off this footage. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but good video can be worth millions and immortality.)

    3. Your Insurance Company
    (To negotiate hushing the matter up to keep your insurance premiums lower than the cost of the last blockbuster film coming out of Dreamworks, and making certain that you weren't cancelled two days before the accident, but no less than 5 days after your last premium check cleared.)

    4. Your Mechanic
    (To find out if he has a good body man to work on your baby - no, not that squalling brat strapped in the back of your Mercedes M Class - we are talking about your "real" baby - your M Class.)

    5. Your Therapist
    (To help you get through the guilt of having damaged your beloved and how you may make amends to it. Remember, a trip to the car wash is a necessity, but a trip to the detailer's is the automotive equivalent of a day at the spa. You might also think of a special trip to the mechanic to have the oil changed out to one of those high tech, new synthetics and treating your darling to some high octane racing fuel. It really depends on the size of the dent.)

    6. 911
    (If you can remember the number...)

    Important things to remember concerning traffic accidents in LA:

    If in an accident while driving a Hyundai, Honda, Mazda, Kia, etc. (you haven't made your first commercial yet), never admit to having been within 20 feet of the car at any point in your life. Walk away, crawl if you have to, and pretend to be a spectator. Remember that the first question is not "Was he/she hurt?" It is "What were they driving?" You would rather people see your dorky highschool yearbook picture than the Geo Metro you were driving when you got caught a four car pile up. Highschool yearbook pics are Oprah ratings material; six year old Geo Metros are not.

    If you must be in a car older than three years, make certain it is fast and/or European. Having a classic car in the works is better than a working Honda Prelude. Worst case scenario: accident in a working Honda Prelude. Better case scenario: accident in an 80% complete Datsun 280Z (doing 70 down Beverly Boulevard).

    Wearing clean underwear is not as important as your mother said it was. In fact, everyone will wonder what formal occasion you were on your way to if it gets out you were wearing underwear at all - clean or not.

    1999 Crickett Hoffman

  • #2
    hehe, cute! i'll have to have my brother read that, he just moved to LA this month!
    :gun:'99 TJ Sport:gun:


    • #3
      Funny, I'll pass this on to my friend in LA.
      She lives in amungst the SkyScrapers, downtown.
      Thanks for the laugh.

      .(0IIII0). - 98 TJ, 3"Tera,33" M/Ts