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Hot Hot Hot...Chile

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  • Hot Hot Hot...Chile

    This one is courtesy of JeepIslander over at jeepwranglerusa (Yahoo Groups)

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
    the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted".

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy **** , what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
    out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
    the front part of my chest. I'm getting **** -faced from all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
    look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
    and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that !!!!
    Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
    need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
    #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
    oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
    in my stomach.

    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
    over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
    to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

  • #2
    funny

    :yay:
    [COLOR=blue]Chris[/COLOR]
    SAVE JOHNSON VALLEY!!! - CLICK HERE
    Ya Savvy?

    Motech Performance

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    • #3
      i like that it is funny
      B R E T T
      87 XJ 3" lift, 31s-thats all thats worth mentioning

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      • #4
        read it before.

        glad to be from Texas. woohoo. Chili washed down w/ a cold Shiner hits the spot..
        beer.. the cause of, and solution to.. all of life's problems. Come find me. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000361801890

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        • #5
          Have eaten chile in Texas it is HOT!!! but managed to not pass out........... I think

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