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10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

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  • 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

    Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
    package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
    long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
    your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
    wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
    hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
    complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
    issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your
    underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
    object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
    come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
    electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
    waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
    "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
    comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
    we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
    do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
    when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
    only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
    date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
    daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
    continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
    If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
    and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
    be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
    on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden
    Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
    useful, like changing the oil in my Jeep?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
    stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
    eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
    dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
    temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
    tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
    a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
    romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
    chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
    better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
    dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
    all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
    going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
    whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
    five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
    sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
    When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
    head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
    daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
    your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
    announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
    safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
    come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    It's a Jeep thing, my wife doesn't understand.

  • #2
    i laugh at this every time i read it.
    good stuff... repost, but good none the less
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    ERIK


    95 yj, locked lifted, and ready to rock!

    Comment


    • #3
      :gun:with three daughters I say "Can I get an Amen" :gun:
      [COLOR=Red]Semper Fi[/COLOR]
      In Loving Memory of My Daughter

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by D4x4Fish
        :gun:with three daughters I say "Can I get an Amen" :gun:
        I only have two daughters but "AMEN!!!!!!"
        04TJ, 4.0 5spd
        4" rough country springs
        Nth degree arms upper and lower
        1" Currie MML/BL
        Jc fab rockers & 1" seat lift
        33"BFG MT's
        Lock-rite in the front

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        • #5
          My favorite daughter quote was from one of those Blue Collar Comedy guys, don't remember which one.

          "Just remember, I'm not afraid to go back to prison."
          I'm a Daddy!!

          [COLOR=DarkRed] Rear bumper/tire carrier and front bumper!![/COLOR]

          2002 Jeep TJ (Ember)
          1982 Jeep J10 w/ a 360

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          • #6
            True Story
            My middle age Daughter a few years back had some of her girl freinds over and her boyfreind, will just call him "JR" , came over. Well it was late and we told "JR" he had to leave. "JR" just keep asking my wife if he could spend the nite and sleep on the sofa. My wife got tried of telling him no, so she told him what ever I said she would agree to. My wife came into the bedroom and asked me about what I thought of "JR" spending the nite. I reached over and pulled my 9mm out popped the clip and handed her a round. I told her to give it to "JR". All I heard was a door slamming and a bunch of girls laughing. To this day "JR" has not step foot into our house. Thank God our daughter has sence moved on.

            Couple years later, My oldest Daughter's boyfreind meet me at the door. I was going out the door to go target shooting, my 9 on my side and my shotgun under my arm. I told him I heard he was coming over and want to sharpen my skills. I saw a blank look on his face. I later found out from my daughter that she had told him about the "JR" story.

            I have to keep him around, he's my Grandson's Dad.
            All around good Guy.
            [COLOR=Red]Semper Fi[/COLOR]
            In Loving Memory of My Daughter

            Comment


            • #7
              Lol!
              Michael

              [sign]nlm mln[/sign]

              Comment


              • #8
                That is friggin funny.

                My daughter just turned 4 so I have some time to buy the "home" gun. Her older brother is now 11 and by then will be a degreed Taekwondo blackbelt. He is already breaking 1 inch thick boards and gaining skills with martial arts weapons.

                Myself, I am a fairly good shot with the M9, M16, M203, M60 and very deadly acurate at calling in indirect artillery fire. Artillery has a 50 meter kill radius but I generally am able to score a direct "steel-on-steel" hit. Last time I fired the M203 I put the 40mm grenade through a standard size window at 75 meters.

                I don't think I will have 2 much problem with the future boyfriends.
                It's a Jeep thing, my wife doesn't understand.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by D4x4Fish
                  True Story
                  My middle age Daughter a few years back had some of her girl freinds over and her boyfreind, will just call him "JR" , came over. Well it was late and we told "JR" he had to leave. "JR" just keep asking my wife if he could spend the nite and sleep on the sofa. My wife got tried of telling him no, so she told him what ever I said she would agree to. My wife came into the bedroom and asked me about what I thought of "JR" spending the nite. I reached over and pulled my 9mm out popped the clip and handed her a round. I told her to give it to "JR". All I heard was a door slamming and a bunch of girls laughing. To this day "JR" has not step foot into our house. Thank God our daughter has sence moved on.

                  Couple years later, My oldest Daughter's boyfreind meet me at the door. I was going out the door to go target shooting, my 9 on my side and my shotgun under my arm. I told him I heard he was coming over and want to sharpen my skills. I saw a blank look on his face. I later found out from my daughter that she had told him about the "JR" story.

                  I have to keep him around, he's my Grandson's Dad.
                  All around good Guy.
                  Oh my god that is GREAT!!!!!!
                  96 ZJ 4.6 stroker
                  HP30/8.8 & Clayton's long arms in progress.
                  [color=darkblue]4x4oil.com[/color] Your #1 Source for AMSOIL Lubricants!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Amen to that!!! And I am a woman!!! Our oldest is 12, so the dating scene will probably be creeping up on us. Good thing Tara is only a month old!!!
                    1993 Wrangler Black, 4" ProComp Lift, 33s.
                    Glad to be back in California!

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                    • #11
                      Well I am 23 and I have no kids, yet, but I have been the "target" before. On my 18th b-day I was dating a girl that was a few years younger than myself. I called her house cause I had a night class (college) and her father picked up the phone when I called. I said hello sir is : her name : there. He said "So I hear it is your 18th b-day." I said yes it is. He then simply stated that he has a few guns under his bed and he is a pretty good shot, so if I touched his daughter he would show me how good of a shot he was. The thing that got me the most was we had been dating for over a year before this came out. As for my future plans all I have to say is I know a lot of police officers, I have worked with police officers, and my Glock 21 would like to come out and play, if you want to play with my daughter, if i have one. Hopefully I will be an officer by that point.

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